BONUS ENTRY (in which I recklessly reveal the secret recipe for Grandma Diener's Famous Spicy Andouille Etouffee)
(Hi. Rob Diener. Again. Yes, I know. I can't help it. I just love to wear out a welcome. Anyone who knows me well will tell you I am the Eternal Houseguest. But that is neither here nor there. Before we get to the real entry, I just wanted to quickly address the one question that seems to be on everyone's mind: How did I sucker Neal into allowing me this space? Simply put, I went to high school with young Jonathan Foer, who I knew simply as Johnny. As far as I knew, he had no middle name, and I wish I still didn't know. Still, he was a very nice, eager guy, the younger brother of one of my favorite people, and I, unlike the rest of the world, do not resent his success. I'm not wild about 'Safran', but I suppose he knows better than I do what sells. Also, while my birthday is today, it will not be officially celebrated until Monday, when scores of pasty, thick-set old men will amble in formation through the streets of Manhattan, singing incomprehensible songs of praise in my honor. I recommend holding off on your own Robert Diener Day festivities until then. And now, on to the hackneyed garbage I churned out earlier in the week...)
I am maybe a little ashamed to admit that I was listening to some old Jack Benny radio shows (as opposed to new Jack Benny radio shows) this afternoon, but I am not ashamed to say I enjoyed ‘em. That Jack—what a cheapskate! Seriously, though, it’s funny stuff, and you should get your hands on some. I mean, even the ads are funny. Check out this one:
“It’s good to know that fine tobacco picks you up when you’re low, calms you down when you’re tense, by putting you on the right level to feel and do your level best. That’s the Lucky level. Smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. Smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. Get on the Lucky level, where it’s fun to be alive! Get a carton of Luckies and get started today!”
You couldn’t get away with a gag like that these days. People are way too sensitive. Besides, TV sucks. People rave on about all that HBO crap because it’s better than everything else, not because it’s actually that good. Six Feet Under can, frankly, eat my ass. And the Sopranos is nothing more than Goodfellas on Prozac. That’s right, I said Prozac. What of it? Anyway, here are some ideas for TV shows that might help save entertainment from the greedy clutches of the Big Fat Greek people.
The Flautist – Lee Horsley of Matt Houston fame is back in the world of broadcast television high adventure, only now, instead of Matt Houston, he plays Chuckie Buckles, the pickup-drivin’ good ole boy first flautist for the Washington Philharmonic by day, and a free-wheelin’ vigilante with a fancy for bloodshed and a hatred for the law by night (though often, due to his fairly flexible schedule, he may be a vigilante by day and a flautist by night, and sometimes he will manage to squeeze in both identities during either the day or the night, or maybe even both. It’s this flexibility that will allow the show to grow and keep growing). And then I guess he has a hot secretary or something.
Meatloaf! – Horrible pop crooner Meatloaf will be unleashed upon unsuspecting audiences once again, this time as a formerly hard-partyin’ rocker who is now trying to atone for his wicked ways by becoming a Lutheran minister and adopting twenty-seven children (each one more disabled and/or ethnic than the last!). Add to this a dog, a horny Italian neighbor, and Tea Leoni, and I say we’re cookin’ up a meatloaf full of gold!
Soleil, Out on Her Own, Trying to Make It Big in the Big City – A vehicle for Soleil Moon Fry, this series places its title character right in the heart of New York City as a writer for Big New York City magazine. As the magazine's advice columnist, Soleil is constantly horny and pathetically accident and error prone, but her co-worker friends are always there to save her in the end. Despite the show's endless comic possibilities, though, Soleil, Out on Her Own, Trying to Make It Big in the Big City will allow plenty of time for Soleil to explore her problems (most of which involve her always-on-the-cusp-of-romance relationship with one of her big dumb stud co-workers) in a serious light, because research shows that women prefer shows in which women explore their emotions in a serious light.
The Hospital – several highly developed characters, most of them doctors, work in a busy hospital.
Celebrity Go To The Beach – Eight celebrities (Roger Ebert, Wendy Jo Sperber, Joan Collins, Ed Lover, Wings Hauser, Vicky Lawrence, Countess Vaughn, and Joe Garagiola) have to spend a week living together in the same beach house. On the show's final episode, viewers will be able to call in and go online to vote for which celebrity gets to walk away with the book rights.
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