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« From the mouth of a boy at the mouth of the Tigris | Main | What the government doesn't want you to see »

March 23, 2003

I wonder if the antiwar protesters in San Francisco who were arrested yesterday have any idea that they're useful tools for a murderous dictator who has murdered dictators in the past. Do they have any knowledge of history, of politics, of literature, like I do? Obviously not, or else they wouldn't have blocked access to the city's public libraries, destroyed train tracks with their laser eye beams, or generally fouled that usually fine city with their hideous Fifth Column odor spray.

Some things are worth fighting for, even if it means flouting the United Nations, dancing around all known precepts of international law, and using forged evidence and poorly connected half-truths as a pretext for invading a country without provocation. Why, I think Operation Iraqi Freedom is a perfect little name for this jolly war! But don't take my word, though it is tradeable currency wherever intellectual credibility works as legal tender. Take the word of Raul.

Raul is an Iraqi teenager who somehow has access to the only working laptop computer in Baghdad. The last two days, as the howl of war has begun to whip across the desert, he's been sending me thoroughly credible emails, documenting his thoughts, feelings, and experiences. If you doubt why we fight, read these entires. For he is Raul. And he waits for liberty.

Thursday

4:35 PM

I want to see the bright lights and the explosions. This Shock and Awe we hear about should be most shocking, and totally awesome. The bombing so far is boring. I haven't seen anyone decapitated, despite the decapitation strike, and the toilet in my uncle's house still works. When the air raid began, the radio and TV stations remained on. It was a program of patriotic songs, followed by the great American TV comedy What's Happening! or, as it's known in Iraq, Fat Black Man Bouncing Down The Street. In the middle of the show, our favorite character, Repeat, began informing us that we were under attack. We think it was not a direct translation, and was probably government propaganda. An odd way to learn of the beginning of war.

5:34 PM

Have I told you how glad I am that the Americans are coming to liberate us through Operation Iraqi Liberty? It's a great name for the operation, because that's what they're doing. We are very excited to hear the sounds of the anti-aircraft artillery. That means, for me, that my girlfriend will get scared and come over to watch me perform magic tricks and give me hot sex. My mother gets mad because we make a lot of noise, but the explosions outside are loud enough so that Anja and I can really enjoy ourselves tonight. Let me tell you a little bit about our house. There are two rooms, a kitchen and a bedroom. We all sleep in the kitchen and cook our dinner in the bedroom. My family is very strange. Outside, I hear gunfire, but it's just Saddam executing his final enemies. Please come rescue us soon!

6:30 PM

My uncle came home drunk tonight, which really made my aunt mad because he was supposed to go to the Ba'ath store for dinner provisions. Apparently, Saddam's Imperial Stormtroopers are controlling all market access, and when the sun goes down, all remaining shoppers are killed. Things will be different under the Americans. Oh, I am so hungry. I hope the Americans bring us food under Operation Iraqi Freedom with their Shock And Awe. Most of all, I want to eat fresh fish. Also, American chips with their jalapeno cool ranch flavor. At last the rule of this terrible tyrant will end.

Friday

1:30 AM

They interrupted TRL Live, with the band Good Charlotte, to let us know that the U.S. had bombed the headquarters of Al-Jazeera. I was glad. Al-Jazeera simply hasn't been the same since they hired Walter Issacson. I said this to my girlfriend, but she just wanted to have sex with me instead.

3:25 AM

The We're All Going To Die siren went off a few minutes ago, but it was followed by the Just Kidding siren. Sometimes I want to sound a Fuck You, Saddam, siren, but then I would be killed. I can't wait until the American liberators roll into Baghdad with their provisional government and their shining example of freedom and democracy! How we long for the day! I hope they bring delicious Hot Pockets. I've seen them advertised on TRL Live, and also, I am in love with the American starlet Jennifer Love Hewitt. My girlfriend is jealous, but I tell her that Jennifer Love Hewitt is skinny and stupid, that she can't sing and will soon be forgotten.

10:30 AM

Today in the morning I went with my father for a ride around Baghdad and there was nothing different from yesterday. We ate a small bowl of soup while sitting by the side of the road, and noticed that the traffic lights were still working. Then his car phone rang, which surprised me, because I didn't know he had a car phone. I do not know what my father does for a living, only that he often comes home with blood on his clothes and sometimes he screams when he is in the shower. Only a few bakeries were open and of course the Ba’ath Party Centers. We stopped at the bakery and battery store to buy some bread and batteries. The bread is to eat. The batteries are for my girlfriend's vibrator, but I tell my father it is for my transistor radio.

I went home and long into the night I listened to the Best Of Brent Musberger on Armed Forces Radio. My friends and I have filled out our NCAA tournament brackets, but we don't know what the NCAA is, or a tournament, or brackets. Our education has been inferior under Saddam, but once we are liberated by Operation Iraqi Liberty Shock And Awe, we can fufill every teenager's desire of reading Virgil in the original.

Oh, I'm babbling. But that's because a bomb just landed across the street and I can hear women screaming. The air is thick with dust and smoke. But at least I know that I will probably not die. I am a civilian, and when the liberators come, I will be free. Freedom! Hooray!

Posted by at 4:15 PM | Permalink

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