We Have Seen Joe Millionaire, And He Is Us
While a handful of simpering Berkeley-based liberals watch Tivoed paranoid Bill Moyers propaganda in their cosseted vegetarian Ivory Tower perches, I, like the rest of right-thinking America, will be tuned into Monday night's finale of Joe Millionaire.
For those of you who've been too busy writing anti-war poetry to bother debasing yourselves on the altar of reality television, let me summarize the show for you. Evan Dando, a $19,000-a-year ditch-digger and snuff-film star, occupies a French mansion, pretending to be a wealthy bachelor with no friend in the world other than his wisecracking butler. Never has a television show come closer to reflecting the actual circumstances of my life. But there's a twist: Over the last five weeks, Twenty women have competed for Evan's affection, never knowing the terrible secret of his backbreaking poverty, poor career prospects, and stunningly low IQ.
Tonight, Evan has to choose for good, placing him in the enviable position of simultaneously lying to two hot pieces of ass in order to get a little trim. Not surprisingly, given the latent feminist agendas of online television critics, much of the coverage of the show has been pitying of the women contestants who Joe Millionaire may or may not be fooling. But the finalists aren't without their own private agendas.
As The Smoking Gun has exhaustively detailed, Sarah, the blond with the fuck-me eyes, starred in a variety of fetish videos to put herself through law school. She hasn't apologized, to her credit, and why should she? The videos, particularly the ones featuring the bound cheerleader, are classics of underground porn.
Zora, the brunnette substitute teacher with the I'll-fuck-you-eventually eyes, has her own set of secrets. According to the Library of Congress, she's collected anthropological folklore in Florida, interviewed voodoo doctors in New Orleans and Haiti, and shocked all New York with her incessant smoking during the Harlem Renaissance. Should Evan trust her? Should she trust him? Who's really in control here?
I think both ladies should be commended. They are true examples of modern female liberation, unafraid to possess college degrees, unashamed to neck with a stranger on national television, unembarrassed to be venal golddiggers of the highest order. They truly showcase America at its finest. Tomorrow, the Star Creator willing, war will come. But tonight, Adam will meet his Eve, and our hearts will be warm as we collectively masturbate ourselves to bitter sleep.
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