9:48 AM

Colin Powell departs the Waldorf-Astoria hotel, headed for the United Nations. It's important that he leaves exactly 42 minutes before his speech. In 1940 Winston Churchill left his house 42 minutes before he made a compelling case that the Germans were bombing the crap out of England.

10:22 AM

A poll shows that 81 percent of American believe that Iraq has ties to Al-Queda. Eighty-seven percent believe that Saddam Hussein is hiding something, and seventy-four percent believe that he has the capability to build an army of flying robot monkeys. Even if Colin Powell shows movies of his vacation to Miami Beach, it doesn't matter. War is upon us, and it's going to be so great.

10:23 AM

I hate the Germans, and always have. They have crummy food and their women are whores. William Kristol on Fox News says we cannot risk a new 9-11 with chemical or biological weapons. I agree with him, whether or not the evidence is clear. The Germans are finished. They are next to go down.

10:33 AM

The U.N. Security Council meeting is called to order. A sweaty, shifty representative of Iraq sits at the council table. I am already persuaded that we must go to war with Iraq. Evidence is not really necessary.

10:35 AM

Iraq: Failing to Disarm. The first slide alone is conclusive proof that Iraq has failed to disarm. My, Colin Powell is a handsome man. On to Baghdad!

10:39 AM

Did you hear what they said in the tape? They are HIDING A MODIFIED VEHICLE. And they said "yeah, yeah," several times. "Yeah, yeah," is Arabic for "kill, kill." U.N. resolution 4311 distinctly speaks against evacuating a modified vehicle. I'm convinced. Start bombing now.

10:44 AM

What are the Iraqis hiding? Who cares? Kill them all. Colin Powell's mouth is sexy when he frowns.

10:49 AM

I'm unclear why inspectors took the diaries of the Iraqi nuclear scientist. But the question remains: Who took the hard drives? Then again: Who cares? They are hiding weapons in groves of palm trees.

10:51 AM

PICTURE 1:
UN Resolution 4566 distinctly prohibits more than three red squares in any given satellite picture. This photo clearly contains four red squares. The same resolution also prohibits trucks from gathering around buildings. The Iraqis are clearly in violation of the truck-gathering prohibition. I have a modest erection.

10:54 AM

PICTURE 3:
The buildings appear to have roofs, in direct violation of UN Resolution 5903, which prohibits new roof construction on monitored sites. Why would the Iraqis build these roofs, or is it rooves? Also, in the lower-left hand corner of the screen, you can clearly see a gun. And it is smoking.

10:58 AM

At this point, anyone who doesn't want to bomb those shifty Arabs is obviously a Fifth Column traitor. Where are you now, Frenchie? No sources are more reliable than human sources. A free country does NOT arrest people without charges. Mmm. I am so hard right now.

11:03 AM

If even ONE teaspoonful of anthrax exists in Iraq, then it must be destroyed through a massive deployment of 150,000 troops. Why is Saddam Hussein hiding his teaspoons? It's time to stop his travelling poisonous medicine show on wheels. Preferably tomorrow, because I have plans this weekend.

11:07 AM

We now have evidence that Saddam Hussein is in possession of cartoon trucks, in direct violation of UN Resolution 7723. Because the trucks are cartoon trucks, that means that they can fall into a very deep canyon with an anvil attached to them and still survive.

11:10 AM

Iraq has at least one airplane, in direct violation of UN Resolution 1101, which prohibits then from having airplanes, particularly not ones with spray tanks that dispense simulated anthrax, otherwise known as water. Brrr. This evidence chills me, and makes me hungry for war.

11:14 AM

All right, already! Jeez!

11:16 AM

The Iraqis are willing to do anything to hide their arms caches, including remove the CRUST OF THE EARTH. The earth, as our Star Creator said in the Book Of Stars, is precious, especially the crust. All hail the Star Creator! Death to his enemies!

11:20 AM

The nerve of those agents! Removing the expression nerve agents! And they dare call each other "buddy." Hello? Hello. Hello? Hello. Hello? Are you with me?

11:21 AM

The Iraqis have a SUBMERGED ICEBERG! Oh my god! Ahhh! Ahhh! Colin, you make me so hot! Prove your case! Prove your case!

11:25 AM

Aluminum tubes. Ohhhh....I am definitely an expert on centrifuges, if you know what I'm saying.

11:29 AM

Saddam Hussein's claim that he was just trying to "borrow" a large magnet factory from India doesn't wash with me. We know from intelligence and Iraq's own admissions that Iraq is populated largely by evil scumbags. And UN Resolution 303 prohibits evil scumbags from obtaining rocket engines.

11:30 AM

Ahhhhhhh. Oh. God. Mmmm. That circle is SO big.

11:36 AM

I'm sorry. I had to take the dog out. Did I miss anything? Holy shit! Iraq is harboring Al Queda leaders in its hospitals! Death to the infidels! Seriously.

11:39 AM

Back in October, I linked the murder of Lawrence Foley to a terrorist cell Iraq. But did anyone listen to me? Well, yes.

11:42 AM

America has a new enemy. And his name is Zarqauwi. Kill him!

11:46 AM

Iraq is harboring terrorists and teaching them many things. Good god, man, what else? A terrorist, in custody, always the most reliable source, has detailed a relationship between Saddam and Al Queda. This nexus is unshakable and must be torn to shreds by our superior firepower. Until the United States is given unlimited freedom to wage ultimate war against Saddam Hussein, the world will face another war waged by someone else. Kill! Stop him! Ahhh! Ahhh! Oh, yesss! Stop him nowwwwwwwwwwwww!

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