Let's talk Turkey
In my continuing effort to have one, but only one, article appear in every current English-language publication, I would like to announce the addition of Seattle's The Stranger to my roster of the conquered. This is the link to the specific article, which has already caused a furor among the seventeen people worldwide who care about such matters. Enjoy, or don't. Your opinions are always welcome here.
Now, before I head off this weekend to San Bernadino, where I'll be addressing the yearly meeting of the Council On Conservative Citizen Councils, I'd like to announce that the United States has a new enemy. No, it's not Muslim insurgents in The Phillippines. That's just the daily business of the War On Terror, nothing you should be concerned about at all.
I'm talking, naturally, about Turkey. It's readily apparent to me, as it should be to anyone who reads, that Turkey is harboring terrorists. The Turks would use the $26 billion they want to extort from us to build weapons of mass destruction and also the enormous mosque that, according to Revelations 3:1, will signal the ascendancy of the Antichrist. I don't know about you, but I want my clone baby to live in a world without Armageddon, especially because she's half-Jewish.
Therefore, the U.S. government should not give in to Turkish blackmail. The British nearly did in 1913, and because of that, T.E. Lawrence died in a motorcycle accident 30 years later. We should cut Turkey out of NATO, and the U.N., altogether. Despite the calumnies of New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, who is in great danger of violating Patriot Act II, thereby risking life imprisonment without legal counsel, it's quite apparent that the U.S. is perfectly capable of finding another country on the northern border of Iraq from which to stage the liberation of the Middle East from tyranny.
The government must shut out the sinister Turks, at least until our forces march into Ankara. And we, as Americans, need to boycott all things Turkish. No more Turkish rugs. Sorry. No more kafta kebab, even if the vendor is Lebanese. All copies of The Prophet must go straight into the fire. I don't care if Kahlil Gibran isn't Turkish. It's still a shitty book.
Under U.N. resolution 1307, the smoking of hookahs is still acceptable. I'll give the U.N. that one. But no more Turkish coffee, Turkish baths, Turkish Delight, or Turkish prisons.
More importantly, no more turkeys.
We must ban turkeys in the United States. From now on, Americans should eat pot roast at Thanksgiving, and ham at Christmas. Turkey breast? Forbidden. The Turks don't allow their women to even HAVE breasts. Turkey sausage? Whatever happened to good old American pork sausage?
My point may be subtle, but I think you understand. Fuck the Turks. We've got England on our side, and that's all that matters. Together, the United States and England will rule the world, until the end of time.
Have a nice weekend.
Neal
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