For whom the bong tolls
Word creeped up the mountain yesterday that the DEA had arrested more than 50 people nationwide for the crime of selling drug paraphernalia. At first, I thought, well, this is completely misguided, if not utterly evil. But then I thought about the situation, and then I read some Catallus, which wasn't helpful, but then I thought about the situation some more.
Attorney General John Ashcroft, a Man of God, issued a written statement yesterday about "Operation Pipe Dreams": "With the advent of the Internet, the illegal drug paraphernalia industry has exploded. Quite simply, the illegal drug paraphernalia industry has invaded the homes of families across the country without their knowledge."
He has a point. One morning three weeks ago I found not one, not two, but three pieces of drug paraphernalia on the bookshelf next to my desk. They were all made of different-colored glass, and ranged in shape from small to fuckin' huge. How did they get there? I couldn't remember. Someone had obviously invaded my home. Therefore, I naturally support the fact that the DEA is arresting glass-blowers in Oregon.
As I researched for nearly an hour today, other quotes exploded off the AP wire at me. John Brown III, acting DEA administrator, said, "People selling drug paraphernalia are in essence no different than drug dealers. They're as much a part of drug trafficking as silencers are a part of criminal homicide."
As the grandson of the great martyr of Harper's Ferry, Mr. John Brown III does carry some moral authority. And I've often noticed that head shops are generally quite silent as shops go. Could it be that the employees are plotting acts of terrorism, or possibly sex before marriage, or both? We have no way of learning what goes on in the twisted minds of head-shop employees.
It's also nice to see that in John Ashcroft's America, unlike during the "freewheeling" Clinton Administration, celebrities aren't getting away with their sinful ways. As part of the sting, the DEA raided Tommy Chong's house in Pacific Palisades. They didn't get Chong, but they later picked him up as he attempted to drive an ice-cream truck made of marijuana across the Mexican border.
Hah-hah! I am funny blogger who makes funny pot joke! Link me! Link me!
The usual namby-pamby marijuana rights people objected to these arrests, but their day of heavy influence over public opinion passed long ago. These are dangerous times. Anyone who sells drugs, or who sells stuff to people who use drugs, or who knows anyone who uses drugs or, for that matter, who knows anyone who sells stuff to people who use drugs, is tarred by the brush of terrorist conspiracy. Much like the INS arrests of immigrant workers in San Diego during Super Bowl week, and like the random detentions of people in every state, every day, for any reason, these drug paraphernalia arrests only add to our overall security.
Oh, no. I just found a fourth bong, this one on my coffee table. Will these infiltrations of my home never cease? Get them, John Ashcroft! Have courage!
Remember: Every time a head-shop employee goes to jail on flimsy charges, an angel gets his wings.
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