Au Revoir to All That
In recent days, on TV, Americans less well-off than I have made brutal sacrifices by dumping expensive French wine into plastic buckets. And damn it, I've decided, they're right. We must erase all evidence of our cultural association with the French from our lives. So with a sorrowful, snowbound fury, I've been cleaning out my attic.
Onto the wind I released the handkerchief given to my father by his first and only true love, Edith Piaf. Down the coal chute tumbled the rubber tubing that Jean Genet used for god knows what purposes. With my trusty hammer, I smashed my copy of Barbarella, a sexy movie directed by a Frenchman, and all those Serge Gainsbourg records to which I used to masturbate so merrily. Finally, into the fire I tossed an autographed first folio edition of Tartuffe. It simply has no value to me anymore.
As I tore up several Charles Azanvour magazine covers, a great sadness filled my heart. It was after the war (which war, I don't remember. There were so many, and they were all so sad) that I first saw Paris. Even then, as I lay with a 15-franc prostitute within spitting distance of Montmartre, I knew that these beautiful days would have to end. Once, at a restaurant we both favored, A.J. Liebling said to me, between enormous bites of pork liver pate, "it's becoming harder and harder to feel my legs." The next day, I ran into Henry Miller in front of Shakespeare and Company and kicked him in the balls because I mistakenly thought he was a Communist. Later, I attended the first Cannes Film Festival in 1949, or whenever the first Cannes Film Festival was, and had a pretty good time. Sometime after that, I opened for MC Solaar at the Place de Vendome, and I knew that Paris was a damn nice place to visit.
But that world is gone now. These are not existential times. Hell is other people. And those people are French.
In my basement sits a wheel of Montrachet , given to me by Isabelle Huppert in 1981, or maybe 1982. Next to that, a brick of Edel de Cleron, a gift from Catherine Deneuve, and a very special wedge of Bleu de Casses, from Gerard Depardieu's private stock. But now they are all going to the geese.
Shit. I really love cheese. Why have you done this to me, France, why? Pourquoi?
No!
I will speak Franglish no more!
All transcontinental partings aside, Beneath the Axis of Evil is finally for sale at Amazon.com. If you've read the book, please take ten minutes from your own Francophiliac purgings to write a review. Even if you haven't read the book, write a review. Let's load up the site so Amazon is forced to order more than two books from my publisher.
Also, go to the best letters page on the web to read a series of very interesting dreams about the War On Terror. Please continue to send me your dreams. But they cannot contain the French. We do not dream about the French. Not even about Audrey Tatou. Not even her.
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