A plan for victory
Note: It's recently come to light that in 1999, Attorney General John Ashcroft spoke at the annual breakfast of Citizens For More Conservative Citizen Councils, a dummy straw-man umbrella group set up by Grover Norquist to shield the Republican National Committee from accusations of rampant homophobia. I've obtained a very fuzzy video of the affair that cuts off about halfway in favor of that episode of Buffy where Willow's boyfriend falls in love with a female werewolf. Anyway, I can confirm that Ashcroft spoke at the banquet and definitely said, "Good morning, it's a pleasure to be here with my fellow fag haters," but after that the audio is obscured by glass-clinking from the busboy station. More on this story as it develops.
Now that Al Gore has mercifully bowed out of the running for the Democratic nomination, taking with him the blind ambition and misguided environmental activism that has plagued his party for too many years, it's time to set a proper agenda for whoever will rise in his place. I support President Bush wholeheartedly in his War On Terror, a just war without end, but I'm not a registered Republican and like most men, I get off on witnessing a good fight. I haven't voted Democrat since 1992, when I cast my ballot for Clinton twice. Here's what a Democrat would have to offer this time to win my love.
--A mandatory wage freeze for ungrateful manservants.
--A legislative package offering comprehensive equal rights to teabaggers.
--The imprisonment of Howell Raines and anyone else at The New York Times who doesn't fully support the War On Terror.
--A National Book Award nomination for my new masterwork Beneath The Axis Of Evil: One Man's Journey Into the Horrors Of War.
--Osama bin Laden's head served hot on a platter.
--Substantial sinecures for leading George Orwell scholars at the new National Museum of Orwellian Thought.
--The end of Robert DeNiro's "comic" acting career.
--Death by bombing to all our enemies.
--Orange soda in the drinking fountains.
--Amnesty for all Jews.
--One thousand years of glorious peace under the golden American sun.
Obviously, this is just a starter kit. But it's also gift of helium from me to the Democratic hopefuls as they begin to float their trial balloons. If fellow Beagles out there have other platform suggestions, please email them to me, and I will post them on the letters page. The politicians need to realize that our opinions represent the American mainstream, just stated in slightly more elevated English. Forsooth, they must take heed!