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November 21, 2002

Roger, dodger -- a betrayal

Now word arrives that my previously missing beleagured manservant Roger has surfaced in New York City, where, with the help of MY agent, he's circulating the manuscript of a roman a clef titled, "Confessions Of A Beleagured Manservant." I've obtained a copy of this manuscript, and it's full of lies. While I realize that in this space I've often approved of lying, or, as I put it, "a little B.S. now and then," to achieve certain state-policy, military, or domestic-spying objectives, this is different. I believe that "modest fibbing" is sometimes necessary to protect national security, or to promote free-market economics and democracy conducted in the English language. But personal calumny is unacceptable.

Let me detail, in detail, Roger's deceptions. They are many. And they are wrong.

1. On the eve of the 2000 Presidential election, at a party in Washington, I did not ask Roger to poison Robert Reich's dessert.

2. I never called Chris Matthews "a pointy-headed Malthusian."

3. I did not "repeatedly force" Roger to unglue my testicles from the bathroom floor. That happened only once, and it was for a summer party game thrown by the International Teabagging Association.

4. There is absolutely no physical evidence of my sexual relationship with Senators Barbara Mikulski of Maryland and John Kerry of Massachussets. Thank god.

5. I have never visited Japan, and certainly not at the paid invitation of a shadowy pharmaceutical corporation that intends to
dump a powerful mind-control drug into the world's water supply.

6. Jonathan Franzen, in my opinion, is not "a spineless pussy."

7. Once, while in Rome, I did NOT dangle Roger from a hotel balcony while shrieking "look at my beleagured manservant!"

8. I challenge anyone to find documents that indicate the establishment of a dummy think-tank to jack up my lecture fees and increase the frequency of my television appearances.

9. In many countries, forcing live animals to wear sailor costumes is not a crime.

10. A terrible darkness is not descending upon the earth, choking the oxygen out of the skies and turning our fragile bones to dust while sucking our souls into a bottomless eternal void.

If this book ever gets published, and if you ever buy it, remember what I've written here today. Tell your friends the identity of the true victim. For it is I.

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