The day after
For a moment yesterday morning, all the birds were silent. Could it have been that they, too, felt the enormity of the tragedy of the loss? The entity that our President calls the Creator must decide. I do know that by instructing Roger not to use the leaf-blower yesterday I added to the quiet, the serenity, the solemn tone of the moment. In the village adjacent to my seaside mountain house, the ice-cream shop teemed with life, and I realized not all had been lost. Teenagers still hungered for frozen confectionary. No enemy can take away their desires, the lingering pangs of summer. Then I was overwhelmed by an unforseen wave of lust, and I retreated to my turret to make a booty call and relieve the pressures that had been building. You can read about my adventure of sexual healing at alt.teabagging.net/pollack. I will clog this space no more with abstract tales of desire.
Meanwhile, President Bush has made his speech to the United Nations, deliniating his case much as I'd outlined on this blog as far back as August. The one thing I would argue with is the President's claim that Hussein has "assed" his own people. Far as I know, few Iraqis have ever seen Saddam Hussein's ass. Thank god. But now that we have the Portugese and the Bulgarians behind us, let's get the bastard.
Finally, today I begin my assault on one of the most dangerous people in America, Ann Coulter. In her book, Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right, which has received a suprising lack of publicity considering its controversial subject matter and Ms. Coulter's fine gams, Coulter commits numerous acts of calumny too numerous to mention. But she does attack me, which is strange because I haven't been a liberal, officially, since the day Nixon resigned. I call your attention to Chapter 5, "Why Lesbians Want to Eat Your Babies," whereCoulter says, "In Neal Pollack's world, sex is something you trade like baseball cards. If he had his way, Afghanistan's new government would be run by the gay-rights division of the ACLU."
OK, Ann, I did write a column once for Slate claiming that the gay-rights division of the ACLU would be a better choice for governing Afghanistan than the Karzai coalition. But I was JOKING. You need a humor lesson. I suggest you turn to The Onion, a hilarious Madison-based publication that receives too little attention from our mainstream media.