My obscenity trial -- in France!
Those of you who've been reading this page for the last two years are familiar with my bestselling novel Hot To Trot, which on the surface is a chick-lit beach read about a 300-pound newspaper columnist who, using her wit, intelligence, and frequent-flier miles, manages to seduce a world-champion surfer in La Jolla. But, as Thomas Frank, the first and only editor of the Baffler, wrote in Harper's, "beneath Pollack's deceptively sunny text is a first-rate novel about the puerility of the American intellect. Also, the New Economy was a scam. I told you so! I told you so!"
Well, in France, I need to put on no such gloves. There, the book is called by its original title, Man Or Monkey: The Puerility of the American Intellect. And French critics are all as smart as Thomas Frank. Giscard D'Estaing wrote in Le Spectator (The Observer), "Pollack, he ees genius, no? Theese is ze most honest novel to come out of America seence Stanley Elkin's "The Impossible to Understand Family." In Le Figaro (The Mustache), Louis Jourdan writes: "It is high praise for me to say that among all the North American ape-men who call themselves novelists, Neal Pollack stands above the trees."
Yet, because of an obscure French law that makes it illegal in print to call Muslims "grub-eating pig fuckers," I am currently on trial for obscenity in the French city of Orleans. Also under contention is this sentence from my book: "Islam is less a religion than a tawdry mating dance for people descended from dogs." In the United States, such a statement would probably get me hired in the Justice Department's press office. Here, it is an intellectual cause celebre.
I mount the stand tomorrow. My lawyer, the famed Asterix Clemenceau, has advised me to take the French version of the Fifth Amendment, which goes, "I refuse to soil my academic integrity by replying to your juvenile line of inquiry, but let me add that I stand in firm opposition to the idiotic, lumbering American war machine, as well as the cultural catastrophe that has been unleashed on the world by Hollywood, MTV, and the Jewish bankers. Vive Le Pen!" Perhaps the French will burn me at the stake, as they do all their heroic martyrs, or maybe I'll just get interviewed on TV. We'll see how it goes.
Meanwhile, I have an annoucement to make regarding my next novel, Hurts So Good, a sequel to Hot To Trot. Because of my dissatisfaction with corporate publishing and chain bookstores, I'm going to release this novel myself, in a limited edition. There will be only five copies printed on golden tickets which will be wrapped around selected candy bars and placed in vending machines at state-university sororities, largely in the south. The lucky winners will get to spend a clothing-optional week at my secret mountain estate in Malta. It could go horribly, horribly wrong, but that's not likely.
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