Can anyone stop Noam Chomsky?
I'm mentally exhausted from the teabagging scandal that has consumed my last 24 hours. My enemies are braying at the gates for my head, but I'm not prepared to hand it over; since the story broke yesterday I've received 750 offers from potential teabagging partners. Though I've only had time thus far to consummate with two of you, I promise that I'll soon be testicle-dipping across the country.
Some of your emails were startling in their tenderness. John Q., of Lexington, Kentucky, says, "Thank you, Mr. Pollack, for speaking out against the NEA's stated policy of giving grants to visual artists who use nudity, either explicit or implied. I also agree with your revolutionary idea that thought crimes should be prosecuted as actual crimes. Let's teabag sometime."
Karen O. of New York City, writes, "NEAL POLLACK! YOU ARE SO FUCKING HOT! I WANT YOU TO SHOVE YOUR HAIRY BALLS INTO MY MOUTH ALL NIGHT LONG!"
See you soon, Karen.
Meanwhile, enemy of the state Noam Chomsky is at it again. His new book, "Gulf War II: Imperalist Monster Rising," has rocketed to the top of the independent bestseller list, and his accompanying hip-hop CD, "2 Smart 4 Da Chomsky Mouf: Representing Da Noam Family," is getting far too much college radio play. Can the government do nothing to silence this man? I'm coming up with ideas, and will publish them in the coming weeks.
And isn't it interesting that the New Jerk Times is now reporting that the government knew about the potential for September 11 all the way back in 1998? If you recall, like I do, the Times spent most of that year defending President Clinton against charges of immorality, sodomy, and liberalism, and calling for massive cuts in our defense and intelligence budgets. I quote Supreme Left-Wing Fifth Columnist Maureen Dowd, from July 7, 1998: "President Clinton is like Ally McBeal, without the dancing baby. He's Mark McGwire at the bat. The star of his own sitcom. Everybody Loves Bill." Why didn't she use that space to break the September 11 story instead? But that's Dowd for you. Fiddling complicitly with instantly dated pop-culture references while her own Rome prepares to burn.
Finally, I encourage those of you new to this page to send me Fan Fiction. If you wish to write me into an episode of Smallville or make me a minor character in The Matrix, or any other favorite TV show or movie with the exception of Yes, Dear, I'm amenable. I also like genre fiction of every stripe, including but not limited to jungle adventure, noir detective, space exploration, pirates, baseball, and girls gone bad on reefer. Slash fiction is also acceptable, or fiction with slash elements. The only requirement is that I become a character in the story at some point. Some excellent examples of NP Fan Fiction can be found in the Fan Fiction section of this site. Check them out.
I will continue to post new material at least once a week. Send submissions to my personal assistant, Heidi, at nealfanfic@aol.com. Remember, anyone can be a writer. Even you.
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