A man wronged
Recently, I've come under editorial attack for my interest in the sexual practice known as teabagging. Before I address the specific calumnities tossed my way by jealous hacks, let me say that if a man enjoys lowering his scrotum into his partner's mouth, and enjoys having his partner suck on one testicle, then the other, and then, if possible, both testicles at once, followed by a judicious application of the tongue to the base of the scrotum, sometimes accompanied by a gentle stroking of the penis, then I say that man should be granted his fun, and should be permitted to look for other teabag afficionados however and wherever he can. No one can disagree with me on that point.
Except, apparently, the "journalist" Michelangelo Signorile. In his column in this week's New York Press, Signorile uncovers the shocking fact that I've been trolling for teabagging partners on bulletin boards at America Online, a known repository of perversion, and The Atlantic ,where a surprising teabagging subculture has appeared. Mike, who I've known since the mid-80s, when he published an East Village bar 'zine called "Out and About: I Will Bury You", is apparently no longer my friend. He writes:
"Neal Pollack has crusaded at length against what he calls male 'pathological libidinity.' He published, in The New Republic, an essay called 'Against the Blowjob,' in which he said that men should brush aside their oral fixations and spend more time playing sports with their families. For years, he's appeared on television saying he's become a born-again virgin, and won't have sex again until two months after his next marriage. He's publicly referred to the male sexual organ as a 'disgusting mutation of God.' His on-line dick-lick trolling is the height of hypocrisy."
Is it, Mike? Is it really? Why? Does a man have to behave in private as he commands others to behave in public? Isn't morality fungible, after all? And, let's face it. I'm a celebrity. If I put out a call on the Internet looking to get my balls sucked by willing men and women, don't you think I'm gonna get a lot of steamy offers? What would you do, Mike? Would you be an exemplary rock of celibacy, or would you squirt hot jizz into 100 willing mouths? These are stressful times. The threat of war looms over us like a looming cloud. I think a little teabagging, for someone who has an important public-opinion-shaping job like mine, is just what the midwife ordered.
People like Michelangelo Signorile, who I call "Al-Queda sympathizers," had better watch their targets carefully. I still believe American men should spend more time with their families, Mike. It's their duty as men, and as Americans. We haven't slurped the last hair off this teabagging debate, but remember that my right to privacy trumps your right to criticize. And if you think I'm wrong, you're a terrorist.