When we announce that it's time for bed, Elijah, like most kids, seeks to prolong the agony of the day by hiding. It's a game for him, but if we play it wrong, we encounter a shrieking, belligerent resistance. Therefore, we need to try out different strategies.
The other night, after I finished reading Elijah his nightly quotient of at least 100 Calvin & Hobbes strips, I called through the house to summon mama for bedtime.
"Wait," said Elijah. "Let me hide."
"Whatever," I said.
With that, he moved to the middle of the sofa and covered himself with a blanket. Regina entered the room.
"Well, it's time to brush teeth," I said. "The only problem is that Elijah has disappeared."
"Oh no," Regina said. "That's a tragedy. And just when he was learning how to type."
"I know, tough break, right? Why don't you have a seat here right next to me on the couch, so we can smooch."
"I would," Regina said. "But I really have to fart."
"You know where I like to fart?"
"Where?"
"On top of this lumpy blanket that's next to me on the couch."
The lumpy blanket began to bob up and down, as though something inside it were trying not to laugh. Regina sat down on top of it, puffed up her cheeks, put her hands to them, and blew out a big wet fart sound.
"Oh man, that feels so good," Regina said. "I think I'll do it again!"
And she did, and then she invited me to join her.
"Are you sure?" I said. "I'm dropping some stinkbombs today."
"What else is new?" she said.
So we both sat on the blanket and made farting sounds until we were sick of that, and then we pulled the blanket off, revealing Elijah. From there, he brushed his teeth without protest, went to bed quietly, and was asleep within fifteen minutes.
"Huh," Regina said. "I think we found our formula."
I know the parenting manuals don't tell you to pretend-fart on your kid for behavior-modification purposes. If he tries to pull that stunt at school, he'll get in trouble. But it worked the next night, too, and probably will tonight, and then suddenly it won't work anymore, and we'll have to come up with a new strategy. Innovative solutions to intractable problems: That's why the parenting magazines used to pay me the big bucks.
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